Parables of Poop: Tall Tales of Thrift Store Finds Vol. 1

By: Marc James


In this series, we will be exploring thrift store and flea market finds and the unlikely stories that I think are behind the items. Each time I step into one of these stores, I feel like the Indiana Jones of Junk as I rummage through discarded and forgotten items. Often I find myself swept away in thought, is it my severe ADD? I don’t know, but I do know that each one of these items that sit on a dusty shelf like outcasts from the island if misfits toys has a story. These are those stories….kind of.



I only imagine the set of circumstances that probability led to this license plate. Steve, a creepy used car salesmen who sits in the same diner each day for lunch. Always waiting for his opportunity with the overly spunky waitress April. One afternoon she walks into work going off on a tirade.

Who the hell do I have to blow to get a new car!, I’ve had it with this piece of shit!” She says out of total frustration. “It would be worth a whole day with a dick in my mouth, just to have car car that starts in the morning without requiring CPR!”

It was 2 weeks later he swaggers into the diner, tosses her the keys to a recently purchased used 2004 Mini Cooper, complete with a custom vanity plate. Just to serve as a friendly reminder.


This item laid at the bottom of a footlocker under a pile of white bed linens at grandpa’s house. Until the day someone cleaned out the attic for a yard sale. While looking through the box they discovered three things from dear old grandpa’s past. This board game, that sheet sets do not normally come with hoods and sashes, and that grandpa was a racist fuck.



This collection found its way to my local Goodwill store when a bible thumping, yet troubled mother found her son’s hidden alter to rock gods. Convinced that her Kid was In Satan’s Service, she beat him mercilessly with a shoe before ridding her home of such filth. Where I then scooped them up for a mere 15 bucks. Thank god for bat-shit crazy moms!



I’m not sure what is more disturbing about this find. One, that this tape actually has to exist or the fact that it is found still shrink wrapped next to a copy of Basketball Bloopers and Blunders which was opened and well used.

I can just picture the scene down at the yocal Sharif’s office during a mandatory training day.

“Ok guys, the chief wants us to watch this video on how to appropriately deal with hate crimes that we may encounter while serving our community…..or we can just watch black men get hit in the face with balls again, set to the “Benny Hill” theme.”

See if you would have just watched the video, maybe all your worldly possessions would not have ended up in a rummage sale like you left town in a hurry.

To this day, this tape remains unwatched. I want to know what else made the cut and was not tossed aside. Let us all hope it was something that could teach tolerance & acceptance. You know, like a pristine copy of Dorf on Golf.


…until next time fellow poopers, keep calm  & keep hunting. You never know what is out there and what the story behind it is.