1- Awful breath. Coffee, cigarettes, assholes, who the fuck knows. I can almost forgive the coffee and cigarettes, those are explainable. I cannot forgive when it smells unfathomable, like a cross between guano and garlic. Either way, it’s unsat!
6- Telling me about your weekend (like I asked anyways) first thing as soon I get on a Monday morning. Even after ignoring you, continue to tell me more.
7- You call out of work excessively. And even though no one asks, you tell us all lies about being on your death bed to quantify your absence. Funny how you’re totally fine today after shitting blood yesterday. Usually the same person that pines about not getting a good raise too.
9- Cooking weird shitty foods in the microwave. Especially fish or exotic foods. If it makes your home stink, what the fuck do you think will happen here? PS- No, I don’t want to try your shit smelling food.
10- The time keepers that feel the need to announce what time it is.
13- Selling shit for your kids. Especially when you have 10 kids and something new every fucking week.
14- Endless stories you know just aren’t true. No, you never banged two chicks at once. How do I know? 1- Look at you. 2- You’re poor.
15- Showing me stuff on your phone that 1- Isn’t funny. 2- I don’t feel comfortable telling you how ugly your child is.
16- Mind your own business. I didn’t walk in with a sign saying “Something is wrong, please pry for answers”. PS- What’s in that bag?
17- Fucking wanderers! Where the hell do you belong? Is your job to count how many paces it takes to get from 1 office to another? Fuck! Usually your sellers, time keepers, gossipers, loud laughers….all around asshole.
19- Close talkers. Usually also fall in with gossip spreaders and wanderers. You gathered all this knowledge from around the office, drank everyone’s coffee, your breath smells like fuck…so please get within 6 inches of my face and tell me all about it.
20- The dieters. People who are always dieting and feel the need to tell you all about it, try to convert you, and then offer you some of their gluten free cupcakes….cause you know, they are gluten free cupcakes, so they are healthy.
22- The non workers who always claim to be busy. If NO ONE knows what you do, or if MULTIPLE people claim that you haven’t completed something. Chances are, you don’t do a fucking thing at work. Although, when someone calls you out for it, you work your ass off for 3 days to prove them wrong…then revert.
24- Never shut the fuck up. Ever. If the office goes silent, I can see smoke coming out your ears thinking of the next riveting conversation to strike. This person especially sucks on Mondays.
25- Return email requests. No. 1- Your email wasn’t even important. I don’t know who is stealing the urinal cakes in the bathroom. 2- If I don’t reply, why would you need me to just send you a reply that I read it. Fuck off.
26- Not really an attribute per say. However, bullshit titles. If you need to explain what your title means, it’s a made up bullshit title to keep you happy. So if you’re the director of the ground floor after dusk, you’re probably a dickbag.
27- You call IT for non IT problems that can be solved with common sense. Not knowing your password is not an IT issue, you’re a moron.
28- KNOW IT ALL. It doesn’t matter if it’s accounting, computers, quantum physics, gymnastics, or getting an enema. This person has done it all, and knows how to do it. Without a seconds hesitation will feed you the wrong information about ANY topic you so desire. Typically the person working an entry level position that is being held down by the man.
29- One of my personal favorites. People who get annoyed when you ask them to do their job. I’m sorry that I bothered you by filing my vacation paperwork with you, I realize it’s extremely hard work and you have more important things to do. Like sending out emails with return requests.
31- People who constantly tell us how things were done at their old job. We get it, the place was so amazing that you decided to leave.
32- Those who don’t get the concept of “Reply All”. If you hit this button, you are replying to “all”. Pretty self explanatory, right? Apparently, it’s a hard concept to grasp.
33- The urinal talker. This doesn’t happen outside of work much since people don’t really share a bond out in public. However, the creep who has to piss at the urinal next to you and strike up conversation while you’re both holding your dicks. Think about it, we don’t call each other on the phone while handling our cocks. Why do I want to do it now?
34- I used to have an office next to the copy center, and I would see this ALL the time. A co-worker would print to the printer in the copy and center..”Oh no, it’s out of paper!” (Paper right next to the printer in boxes)……they walk away.
35- This guy…Don’t be this guy, and if you are this guy…stop…immediately. “ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?!”…Bitch, you need to go fuck yourself with a stapler remover.